Living against

There is one awesome application on my phone that generates ideas for freewriting. For those who do not know, freewriting is:

Freewriting is a great way to generate thoughts on the page. You might freewrite if you are experiencing writer’s block or if you’re struggling to come up with new ideas. To do a freewrite, start by choosing a prompt. Then, write to the prompt with a timer and no distractions. You can then create a freewriting practice where you get in the habit of doing a freewrite regularly.

During periods of writer's blocks, and just as a warm-up, I sometimes use this program to wake up the brain.

Today I had a curious topic, I bring it as it is: “Is there any rubbish in my head that stops me from determining the right decision? What should I do with it? Get rid of? Recycle? Find a way to use?

An interesting topic, and, most importantly, timely. Literally today, once again, I took myself out of balance (not only love but can do it) by thinking about what my life is, what it will be for me in old age.

Think about it. When you grow old and start to casually or intentionally turn around for the past years, remembering what happened once, would you not regret it? Would you regret that you chose wrong (for you) way, work, environment, goals, and principles, dreams. Would you regret that one day, many years before these memories, you did not gather your courage and did not begin to live as you really wanted, and not in the way that those around you expected.

Frankly, I'm afraid to regret in the future. I do not want to be late to realize what my vocation is, and never begin to develop in this direction. I want to try as much as possible. I want to take a chance and turn my life around. To carry out a global revolution within the framework of the consciousness of a single individual, that is, of me.

But in today's reflections I went much further. And I had a completely different picture, as if from a parallel reality. What if we turn everything around on what today's thinking is based on, start all over again, not from a new page, but from a new book. Change your mind, remake, analyze. And in old age understand that all this was superfluous. That life and before these "reforms" was not worse, if not better. Bur it is not always possible to return to what had been before. In the process of personal development backup does not exist.

In general, I sometimes marvel at the ability of my brain to find or compose a theory to think about, then wind it up and make it the center of my own universe, and then pick up an alternative, often opposite version to it in order to finish off myself. o_O

Here is such a garbage sitting in my head, distracting from the search for the right solution or path. And I can’t get rid of it. Recycle? It works without me. It processes itself, digests and re-accumulates. A sort of perpetual motion machine of madness. In my opinion, there is nothing more independent than the stormy oceans of delirium in my head.

However, all these thoughts are exactly what helps me come up with new ideas, consider different possibilities and think through all possible and impossible scenarios.

All these reflections have their own trigger, from which all my “what if” begin, sometimes leading to self-digging in the length of the Moscow winter. Whenever I encounter a person / place / event / phenomenon that is alien to my inner “Me”, my brain immediately begins to resent and boycott all reasonable approaches and arguments. It may be an unsatisfying job, a lack of understanding of what is really important, and the strength to carry out my plans. These are toxic people in the immediate environment, tasks and duties that are contrary to the wishes and principles.

In the past few years, I have often noticed that much of what surrounds me contradicts me. How often I do what I don’t want, I say not what I’m thinking, I strive for what I don’t need. Such is life against. Only someone goes against the established rules, someone - against the values ​​of his family, someone - despite the spoiled, but still magnificent world.

And I go against myself.

To do what is needed by others, and necessarily in the best possible way (is the perfectionism not a splinter in the heel?). In order to please everyone and anyone, forgetting what I like. In order to strive for what “normal people” are striving for, even if I do not consider myself to be one of them.

To live against is to slowly poison and robotize yourself. It means to exist within a framework approved by the majority. It means to seem "normal." So, to be like everyone else.

There will not be less rubbish in your head with time. In the best case, it will become self-organized, classified and distributed on the shelves next to the cockroaches. There is always something about what a person, even a little, will regret. All of us will accumulate their own baggage of made decisions and mistakes and alternatives that have been ignored. And this baggage, like no other, we will want to lose at the airport. But it will always be the backpack behind our back. And this, in essence, is very good.

But about what, it seems to me, a person does not want to regret (I certainly do not want to), is that he lived against himself.